I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
