Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
