I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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