This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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