Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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