we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
