I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
