Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
