I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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