i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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