Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
