just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
