I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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