Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
