She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
