Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
