Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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