birth control should be required to get into college
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
