My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
