I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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