how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
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She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize