cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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