he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
