Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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