I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
soo... how was my night?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
