In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
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so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
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Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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