see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
