im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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