pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
