I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
