I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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