Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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