i think my mom watched the whole time
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
