If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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