I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Can I color on your dick again?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
