So drunk its hurt
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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