Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
