I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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