well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
