Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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