I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
