I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
