All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
