I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
