It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
