If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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