I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
