She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
