i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
