I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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