We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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