I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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