you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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