when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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