And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
