I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
