I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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